Self-love. 

What a concept. 

I read about it. I write about it. 

I infuse it throughout my class when I teach yoga asana.

But do I actually practice it?

How would I operate if I were a human who truly loved themself?

I’ve been observing and witnessing myself lately from a higher perspective. 

If you know me well, you know that I can’t operate in the everyday accepted flow. 

We’re not here to just work and survive. At least I hope so.

I’ve gotta be deep, light-hearted, curious, and existential.

I’m a little complex, but then, who isn’t?

For over the past decade of my life, I’ve been telling myself that I’m sad. 

Deep down, I am a very sad person.

Now, there is a shit ton of truth to that.

How much of that is also my own patterning?

Let me round out and say that I’m ok. 

No need to ring the alarm here. 

This is just such a vast experience for our human selves, and sometimes it can get overwhelming. Most of the time, honestly. 

I’ve been feeling the nudge that it’s time I’m honest with myself and I let this side of me be seen and known. 

I am a well of sadness hidden behind a desire to be seen as the exact opposite.

Sacred grief. 

I honor and acknowledge her place within my life. 

Past experiences and decisions have caused her to carve out a space for herself within my being. I no longer fight her, but I also don’t allow her to sit in the driver’s seat. 

There was a long chunk of time when grief was my driver.

I’ve learned to live with her in the passenger seat, but she cannot move over even when I feel that she’s trying.

It is ok for me to live with this grief and learn how to integrate it in a way that serves a purpose. The depth of the sadness that I carry is very real, but the suffering is a choice.

Over the years, I’ve found my tools and practices that have helped me cope and live with this sacred grief. I couldn’t be more grateful, because it has all led me to where I am today. I don’t think that I would be here today if I didn’t choose the path of growth and healing. There are still moments where this grief bubbles up and out. It could be sparked by an image, a memory, a song, and the list goes on. I’ll be in the moment, and then all of a sudden, Bam. There she is. Sacred grief. 

I know that we are here to experience all levels of emotion. We just tend to strive for the “good” ones. I am also aware of the power of the mind. I understand that by me telling myself that I am a sad person continuously makes it true. 

But this is feeling mores than thought. I feel this sadness so often. 

Again, suffering is a choice. 

I refuse to cover any of it with toxic positivity or numb it with substances. 

I speak to my sacred grief, and I ask her to work with me when she shows up. 

I need to know how I can best utilize this emotion in its highest light.

I’m driven to love more, and to focus on what matters most. Yes, I have goals I’d like to achieve, but more than that, I just want to be love. Life is beautiful as well as painful. I want to live it in a way that honors all of these vast emotions that we feel. 

As Ram Dass said, “We are all just walking each other home.”

I want to be better at being there for people.

I desire to offer some nourishment and empathy.

I desire to foster a sense of deep, real, raw connection.

I also want to be goofy, playful, and lighthearted with people, because we need to come up for air when swirling in the depths.

A lavish lifestyle is not the be all end and all for me. 

Yes, I desire comforts and certain material items, but for the most part, I want to walk the path that is the highest evolvement of myself in this lifetime. 

I want to continue to get better at this practice - to be present with where I am and with what is happening within and without me. We’re here in this lifetime for a blip of a moment. So what are we doing with our time? 

I just want to be an honest, authentic human who admits that I don’t have it together.

I want to remind people all of the vast feels we encounter as humans.

Honestly, sometimes I feel like an alien. 

Or maybe a cat. 

Actually yeah, I feel like I should be a cat most days. 

I had to throw some light heartedness in there. 

I’m not sure why I was compelled to share such a raw truth with the world. I think I’m ready to start showing up differently. I’m ready to live my life more authentically. 

(This Full moon Eclipse in Libra is occurring in my first house, just sayin.) 

In a world that showcases perfection, it’s important to remember what matters most to you, and what it means to love yourself. 

Thanks for being part of the ride. None of this is for a pity party. I hope that this little love note helps you to feel a little less alone, and I hope that it helps you come back back to love. 

Tap into what is numinous for you. Watch your now unfold.

Love, Light, & Darkness,

Nads <3