Expectations are a kill-joy.

A bee sting on the bottom of my left foot, a room full of mosquitos, a few big ass spiders hanging around in here somewhere, confused roosters going off in the middle of the night, and a screen door that keeps breaking; which lets more critters in. The sun hasn’t risen yet. This all leaves me typing in my bed with a smirk on my face. What can I say, sometimes I have a darker sense of humor.

I’ve been living in Maui for two months now. I decided to quit my job and leave to an island. I was so sick and tired of the same ol’ routine. Wake up exhausted to get to a job I didn’t wanna be at. Clock out from said job and then try to do all the things. Work on my business, exercise, hang with friends and family, and you know, figure out what I’m doing with my life. Most days I just wanted to lay on the couch and work through an existential crisis. It was a played out series. One of ending relationships, boredom, restlessness, and an insatiable desire to just. get. away. 

Fast forward to today. With an itching bee stung foot, I reflect on my past two months. I left a “secure” job with a 401k, kick-ass benefits, and paid time off to come teach yoga at an Island retreat. Oh, and basically live in a commune. Hah, not really, but it is community living. (Which I have learned so much from!) I think I secretly love these explosive decisions that I tend to make. Perhaps they make me feel alive. Or, to be more honest, perhaps they just remove me from complacent boredom. I’ve never felt more immersed in my own life.

I love that I had the balls to quit my job, sell or donate most of my shit, and take off to a place where I didn’t really know what to expect. I wanted to leave what I knew behind, so that I could embark on a  journey with more passion, better stories to tell, grander experiences, and spiritual awakenings. I want to live life on a road less traveled to experience the miracles of the cosmos. Although, admittedly, I did have expectations.

Expectations are a kill-joy. I’ve had to remind myself to approach everything as an experience. That’s all anything is - an experience. I knew that before coming here, but it’s funny how the lessons we need to learn have a way of showing up in our lives. I needed to be reminded in real time. I don’t want this post to sound ungrateful. I have zero regrets on taking the leap. I’m grateful to my past self for making the change. I literally live in Paradise. Everywhere I look is like a freaking postcard or Pinterest photo. The beauty and magic here is unreal. I simply underestimated the effect that Maui would have on me. I can’t hide from myself here. I can’t wear any false masks. There is no pretending. I’ve been sifting through some of the deepest shadow work yet. This land won’t let me ignore it. This is a needed process for the continuous evolution of my being. It’s been intensely beautiful, but I’ll save those deets for another post…

I am no longer rushing around in an overstimulating city. I live in the jungle-y part of the north shore. I practice and teach yoga in an insanely beautiful, instagram worthy spot overlooking the ocean. I’ve snorkeled with turtles, and cried in awe while swimming in the ocean at sunset. I swim in sacred waterfalls protected from the public. I drink coconut water from freshly hacked coco’s. I’ve hitched rides with eccentric people, and ended up in places I didn’t even expect to be. I’ve stood atop a dormant volcano, and stargazed into an unpolluted night sky. I don’t bother to wear shoes much anymore. (Finger guns to the bee.) I’ve gained friends with incredibly special bonds that I know will last way past my time spent here. Poop conversations, loud farts, forehead kisses, bear hugs, skinny dipping, random singing, dance parties, and shared family meals seems to round out our quirky, entertaining group. True Ohana. 

It’s hard to add up and write about all the incredible moments I’ve experienced over the past two months. I’ve recently had to remind myself of this. After a while the ocean view blends into the norm. The purchasing of fresh, exotic, unicorn-land fruits and veggies at the Saturday Farmer’s Market are a routine. Heck, even a stroll around the property or neighborhood is some good foraging of yumminess. Strawberry guavas, avocados, starfruit, a shake of the papaya tree to knock some down, and another freshly hacked coconut for my electrolytes, please. It’s incredible. This is my life now. Pinch me.

But what am I doing next?

I’ve recently found myself feeling the same kind of anxiety that I was at home. Along with teaching yoga, I do some other odd jobs and gardening to earn my keep here. Maui is after all, an expensive place to live. I’ve been dedicating most of my time to somebody else’s schedule. I’ve placed my goals on the back burner. This is partly due to being distracted by all the adventure, and to my work routine. I’ve been dialing in on the tasks at hand, loving up on my friends, adventuring, journaling through shadow work, or escaping into Netflix. 

I am so much happier than I was at home. I have a different glow. I have renewed hope. A healthy pulse, whereas before I felt that I didn’t have much of one left. I have, however, brought my subconscious habit with me to Maui. Gotta do, do, do. Become somebody. Do something with my life. I have a habit of being hard on myself. Like, really hard on myself. Maui is the heart chakra center of the world. I can not hide from myself here. I am forced to let go of outdated identities and robotic auto-pilot responses to my world around me. I’m not matching the energy of the land here. What if I just let the realness of this journey unravel me into what comes second nature for me? What if I nourished myself the way I nourish and love the land? What if I just allowed myself to blossom without any pressure or judgement?

So, me to me: Damn Nadia, you had the courage to leave, and now you’re teaching yoga in Maui. How about you just let yourself bask in the experience? I mean, c’mon, it’s already pretty damn incredible. 

I may not be working EXACTLY as I’d like to. My business doesn’t fully support me. I forgot that wasn’t the point. I came here to feel like I was living again. I sure as hell have lived a full life in these past two months. 

So, to circle back around to the beginning, as I was gazing up at the star-filed sky with gratitude, I was ironically stung by a bee. “I WAS BEING GRATEFUL, DAMMIT.” That was my honest, initial thought. After the acceptance that I was stung, I knew there was symbolism there. The sting is on the bottom of my foot. This forces me to slow down. I have to be conscious of every footstep, and walk on the Earth in a grounded, connected way. I’ve been walking in a place of beauty while my head has been lightyears away from here. I can be annoyed, or I can pan out and see what this is trying to show me. 

I’m returning to the ever present now. Hell, my business has the word Now in it. *Head-nod.* I see you, Universe. I’m fine-tuning my awareness to the blissful moments, even on the days where I’m consumed by the fact that I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m returning to the magic of gratitude and slowing down. I’m realigning, recalibrating, and steeping in the well-rounded experience that makes up the journey of my chosen path. 

I hope that you take the time to ponder what would happen if you gave yourself the chance to experience what is happening, or what you’re approaching in life, as it is. Let it be part of your story, and observe how this changes your narrative. No expectations. Just experience.

I don’t know exactly what I’m doing in life, so no pressure to take advice from me, but I hope that you give it a shot!

With all that said, I have a bee sting to tend to before I go to the beach on a floating piece of land in the Pacific Ocean on a floating rock in the Galaxy.  (And I’m worrying about my future?!) Chill, Nads.

Tap into what is numinous for you, and watch your now unfold.