Fresh Paint & A New Canvas

The heart chakra. Phew. What a doozy. 

To continue on my last post, I relocated to the heart chakra center of the world. I’m on the journey of unraveling and un-learning to re-learn. I want to remember who I am and why I am here. I’m not too sure what I’m pursuing to be completely honest, but I know that the linear hustle and bustle of everyday life is not for me. I am allowing myself to define success on my own terms. 

Moving to the heart chakra center of the world, and living on the path of uncertainty has already been one hell of a ride. It’s a good thing that I love roller coasters. So let’s just jump right in, shall we? 

My heart? She’s been broken for years. 

I’m the one who broke it. 

I broke my own heart.

At least, that’s the story that I’ve been telling myself for, I don’t know…a decade?! I’ve never let myself admit that to anyone, and here I am putting it out there on the inter-webs. With a deep breath and a shoulder shrug, life has been a journey of firsts lately, so why not add some more truths? 

I’ve been giving myself whiplash with this heart chakra energy. It’s like going from sunny cinematic pop, to the mellow and content Jack Johnson, to the angsty-sad Billie Eilish. 

I’ve been so focused on alchemizing my pain for the past few years, that I’ve forgotten integration. We’ll circle back around to this later. 

I’m proud of myself. I had the courage to leave what I knew wasn’t helping me grow in the way that I wanted. More importantly, I’m allowing the simple fact that I experience frequent sadness to be another facet of myself that needs to be loved. I’ve denied that truth for so long. It’s been a genuine relief to accept this unaccepted, hidden part of me. Because, let’s face it, nobody wants to be, or be around a downer. I definitely am a sunshine-y person, which makes it all the more weird. I know that I share so much light with others, but I have to remind myself to share my light with myself. I am deserving…I’m still learning how to let that sink in.

I am equally light as I am dark. So how can I make this duality work in my favor for the highest good? How can I embrace and blend these very different facets of myself? 

I’ve dedicated myself and my life to the journey of my own unraveling. I’ve felt like a stray dog in the world; unable to really find my place ever since I uprooted myself from everything that I knew when I was just a young lass so many moons ago. That’s a long story, but it’s the root of one of the biggest shifts that forever altered my life course, and the course of those around me.

There will forever be before that time, and after it. 

Two very different lives.

I’ve been focused on creating home within myself for the past few years. I crave to be so solid with who I am that nothing and nobody can knock me. I am my own home. A permanent address and a stable, safe job are not solid foundations. They are, but they are nothing but a sense of false comfort if I can not stand to be in my own skin. I set out to shed myself of everything that is supposed to make me comfortable. I am my own solid foundation. I am my own home. My own source of comfort, love, and solidity. That’s what I’ve been striving for anyway. I am wandering with a purpose. At least, I think I am. The fact that I get stir crazy when I’m located in one place for too long probably has something to do with it as well. But any-who, back to my purposeful wandering; I’m re-wiring and re-programming my brain, as well as learning how to live with how deeply I perceive the world around me. 

Basically, I’m learning how to live out a new story. Same Nads, here. Am I the same, though? 

I am, but I definitely am not. These heart chakra lessons are now part of my creative process. I’ve been saying that I feel like I don’t know who I am. I’ve since changed that into I’m creating who I am and who I want to be. I’ve lived out a certain story for so long that I don’t know who I am without it. My character aches to outgrow that story. I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever really be able to fully let go of that plot line. Its effects have been etched into my being and my life. (Or is that me still giving away my power?) *sinks into an array of deep pondering while staring off into space.* I am excited to see who I keep creating just by allowing myself to pursue what lights a fire within. What happens when I let myself love myself despite seeing all of the things that I do and have done “wrong?” What happens when I allow myself to re-write my story? 

So, to circle back to the integration, I am learning how to live with a layer of sadness that is always somewhere under the surface. I’m admitting that I am prone to depression. I honor myself by allowing myself to accept this denied facet of my personality without it overpowering my life, which I have done many times over.  

I let my life fall apart so that I could put it back together in another way. I didn’t mean to, and that wasn’t the plan, but I’m working with what I’ve got. I am figuring out how to piece the puzzle back together with the knowing that a few pieces will be missing, or squished up and don’t fit quite right. The final result is still beautiful and full of color. My sometimes sadness  stems from feelings of immense guilt. Here’s the thing though-I have been forgiven. I am still so deeply loved, which I am genuinely in awe of. The trick is learning how to forgive myself. 

So many what ifs. 

We’ve all been there; fantasying about having a time machine to go back and make things “right.” I believe that there is a divine order to everything, even if we don’t fully understand it. All of my decisions have led me here to this moment. I live in Maui and teach yoga. Say what? I created this.

All of the decisions of the people that I love have led them to some incredible places. Everything worked itself out. It always does.

What if I never uprooted myself when I was younger. Would that path have been better? I don’t know. Things may have fallen apart anyway. All in all, I’m learning how to put all of the fragmented pieces of myself and my life back together to create a beautiful plot twist. 

Moving to Maui was an act of love for myself. Besides going to the Big Island 5 years ago to get my yoga teaching certification, this is the biggest thing I’ve ever done for me. I chose myself and my needs over everyone. Selfish or powerful? Perhaps a little bit of both. 

I’m learning how to focus my attention inwards, how to figure out what my needs are, how to honor those needs, and how to take action. I know, and I have been saying for the longest time, that I have more love to give when I give more love to myself. Moving to Maui took this concept full send. Sennnd ittt. 

Maui has awoken a new sensation within me. This step in my journey has brought awakenings as well as synchronistic connections with people to learn from. I am slowly learning how to actually forgive myself. It’s time. That intuitive message has been coming through.

Plain and simple.

It’s time. 

Time to stop holding myself back. Re-write the story, create the chapters that I truly desire for myself, and keep keepin’ on with love and acceptance. 

Whenever any glimmer of sadness arises, because it does and it will, I honor it. I love it as much as any part of me. It deserves to be acknowledged. It is okay to be seen and felt, and it is okay to continue to learn how to live with it when it does arise. 

Releasing the worry of the approval of others, being honest about my sadness, honoring the life that I want, and learning how to forgive myself is all an act of me taking my power back. In turn, I hope to empower the lives of others.

Power, success, and happiness look different for everyone. I’m tuning in and discovering what this looks like for me. I’m learning how to choose happiness. I’ve got some new paint and a fresh canvas to work with. 

Until next time, be kind to yourself, honor your truths, and let your highest excitement lead your way. 

Tap into what is numinous for you, and watch your now unfold.